Learning to use Chopsticks takes patience, and so does adjusting to a new culture, author says

Many from other countrie are surprised at the political marches that occur regularly in Ecuador. My opinion: We need to learn more about this active and successful process!

A COUPLE OF NEW FRIENDS are not making it here in Cuenca, Ecuador—at least so far. I like them and find they are interesting and fun. But I don’t think they’ve lived much in other cultures. I gauge this on their reactions to their new surroundings In their eyes, nothing seems to be going right since they have arrive.

Nobody said it was easy!

The electricity was off when "John and Karen" got to their new apartment late at night from the Guayaquil airport. Instead of going to bed and trying to solve it in the morning (after the person on duty couldn’t fix it) they went to an expensive hotel. When they returned the next day and learned the power switch in the basement was off, and just needed to be flipped on, they got mad and decided the apartment owner should pay for their night at the Ritz.

That reaction might work in the U.S. but it doesn’t work here. Things are not so sophisticated. This is a developing country and the trains don’t always run on time!

A trip to the grocery again made them angry when they were asked for a passport. “People were following me,” my friend stated, as he wondered why he had to show credentials to buy a loaf of bread.

“That’s just how it is done here,” I explained. “I don’t make the rules.”

And neither do any visitors. When we travel outside of our country and culture, we must accept that the values, social norms, and traditions in the U.S. may be very different from beliefs about "how things should be" in the country where we grew up.

As I sit here typing, I am personally angry over a small occurrence of health insurance fraud on a policy that I signed up for here. But I have to ask myself, how well did I check out the company? The broker? Did I let myself get Gringo’ed?

Further, I can’t get the public Internet company to commit to come to my apartment and install a new system. I am working from my bedroom where I can intercept reception from next door—while I am trying to market a new book, using twitter and facebook! What a pain.

I am not used to doing some of the footwork required to live here, and I realize this. I am not used to non-customer-driven-non-service! Becoming angry, however, just doesn’t work in this culture. Patience is sometimes rewarded. There also are some legal remedies to invoke, if necessary (but sometimes with unexpected consequence). Often, I forget my own advice when difficulties arise.

But if I am thinking straight, I find it works best to cut the losses and start over when up against a difficult hurdle, such as the problems with health insurance or Internet that I’ve encountered. It is at times like this I miss my home country.

When individuals move to another culture, they naturally carry their own background and life experiences with them, and these shape how they react and adjust to their new environment. For example, some will find a new culture (how people do things) easy to adjust to, while others may struggle significantly (like my two friends). "Culture shock" is a common experience that describes the feelings of confusion, stress and disorientation that occur when entering an unfamiliar culture. Of course, not everyone has the same reactions to cultural adjustment and may experience the symptoms of culture shock in varying degrees, and at different times.

Professionals who study this adjustment period say that common reactions include:

• extreme homesickness
• avoiding social situations
• physical complaints and sleep difficulties
• inability to concentrate
• becoming angry over minor irritations
• significant nervousness or exhaustion

Here are some things to know that might help

• Everything is relative to culture.
  For example people from different cultures may see how Americans behave as different and as “bad”. For some, the American communication style may seem too loud or direct. Take a lesson, and try to avoid labeling what others do as "good" or "bad" according to the culture you are from. Remember that there may be parts of a culture you dislike, but these are part of a broader social system, and make more sense inside that system.
• Be curious and open-minded.
  Adjusting to a new culture does not mean that you have to change your own beliefs or values, but it is important to respect those of other people. When you find yourself in an unfamiliar situation, try to think of it as a new adventure. See this experience as a new game, and be curious about the way things are perceived and done in this new place.
• Use your observation skills.
  Since you will run into new ways of doing things (rules and norms), observing how others behave can help you understand what is expected of you. It’s like watching someone use chopsticks before trying it out for for yourself! Pay close attention to both the verbal and nonverbal communication of others to get a better picture of what is going on.
• Ask questions 
  Ask for help when you need it. This is not a sign of weakness. In Cuenca, the moment a person asks for help in speaking Spanish, nearly every Cuencano reaches out in support. Understanding others and making yourself understood in a new language requires lots of rephrasing, repeating and clarification. It may be helpful to ask questions like "I believe you are saying... Is that correct?" Talk slowly and use hand gestures. In Latino culture, I find myself adding apologies more frequently. “Excuse me. Will you please speak more slowly?” (Disculpe. Por favor. Hable mas despacio.)
• It's ok to experience anxiety 
  Learning to function in a new environment is not easy. It is natural to feel anxious or frustrated sometimes. The key is to remind yourself that these feelings are normal and are likely to be situational and temporary.
• Know it’s okay to make mistakes
  Anyone will make mistakes while exploring a new environment. Look for the humor and be ready to laugh, while keeping in mind that others will probably make mistakes, too. If someone makes an absurd statement about your culture, it may be due to a lack of information. Use this as an opportunity to share information with others about yourself and your culture.
• Take care of your physical and mental health
  Be mindful about keeping a healthy diet and getting enough exercise and rest. Try to find an activity that you enjoy and make it part of your routine. Being physically active can help reduce your stress level, but if this doesn’t work seek help. Look for an AA, in you’re having alcohol problems for instance, or for depression and other problems seek a therapist who knows your culture (if talking to a friend does not help).
• Be patient - don't try to understand everything immediately
  It takes time to adjust to a new and different culture. Be patient with this experience and do not be overly critical of yourself or the people around you.

I hope my new friends start to adjust. And I hope to hell that the Internet company comes through and that the Insurance company pays its bills! Meanwhile, I have some good ideas for a backup!

Cultural Survival Rules Help Keep Retired Expats From Packing Their Bags and Going Home; Retirement Made Easy

Cultural differences important to consider for expats

AS A NEWLY retired person, do you really expect EVERYTHING to go as planned? Consider the retiree who chooses to move to another country as an expat and then winds up going back home, giving up on the dream of living in a new culture because he or she can't seem to make needed cultural adjustments.

Like so many others who try this retirement experiment, conflicts (known and unknown) with the new country's folklore, language, rules, rituals, habits, lifestyles, attitudes, beliefs, and customs, too often end up in a nightmare - with the retired person wishing they had stayed home in the first place.

From folklore to customs, such "clues" typically link and give a common identity to a particular group of people at a specific point in time, and yet they may result in major points of misunderstanding.

Have you ever felt misunderstood when trying to communicate with someone NOT from your own culture? It is easy to happen...

19 Diversity Action Steps

But a new set of 19 Diversity Action steps to aid in enhancing multicultural communication skills -- from expecting misunderstandings to occur, to not expecting others to believe in your own trustworthiness--provides good information for helping anyone who wants to reach others from cultures other than their own. These rules provide a solid guide, especially, to the retired person who wants to try a new and different life; away from the home they have known all of their life.

In other words, these diversity action steps could keep them from repacking their suitcase and asking for a ride to the airport. And they come from Tulin Diversiteam Associates, Wyncote, Penn., an intercultural team of 15 professionals who for the past eighteen years have specialized in "Excellence Through Diversity" Coaching, Consulting and Training for executives, managers, supervisors and employees.

Step number one, expecting multicultural misunderstandings are going to happen, at least some of the time, just makes sense. For example, I once took a bus trip in the mountains of Ecuador. The bus stopped along side of the road to allow ambulances through following a terrible motor cycle accident. It was obvious to me that the motorcyclist was dead, since he was lying on the highway and not moving -- and he was not being given any medical attention.

I saw the unfortunate man as DEAD on the road from a motorcycle accident. Period. Story over.

BUT THE NEXT day, I was talking with my Spanish instructor about what I saw, and used a particular verb phrase that indicated the man was dead. It turned out this particular phrase (Spanish for "was dead") was not accurate in her eyes, because his death was not totally confirmed and the accident took place just recently.

She told me that I should have used different words for my description of death in order for my story to be a completely accurate version of what I was telling her. Otherwise, I would not be perceived as a trustworthy source of information to others, at least in Ecuador. It was a valuable piece of feedback, and I made the change.

But let us move on.

Another step suggested by this communication team is to ask "What's going on here?" when a communication problem arises. "Be willing to change gears or communication styles if necessary."

Easy to be Misunderstood in Conversations with People From Other Cultures

Have you ever felt totally misunderstood when in a conversation with others who do not share your ethnicity? I know that I have, and here is another quick story about a time when I had to ask myself this question, in New York City, and then make a quick shift:

When my son was graduating from law school, I ran into a tough communication problem with a group of people who were sitting behind me. The convocation was in a small, crowded room and the group was talking during the program. I asked them to be quiet, so that I could hear, but I stupidly used a phrased that has some racist connotation -- asking for "you people" to please quit talking.

I knew what I had done, as soon as I said it, and sure enough, one man got in my face quickly, asking me what I meant when I said "you people."

Thankfully, I immediately figured out what he was thinking, seeing this phrase as an ethnic slur, a type of stereotyping; it was rather rude of me to use this figure of speech in the first place, but I simply meant to refer to the entire group, not just one person.

I quickly tried to explain my intentions -- that I have a hearing problem and when a number of people were talking, I could not hear above the noise what was going on. I also stated that I did not mean this as an ethnic slur, but that I could not hear the graduation speech. I said this in a moderate tone of voice and looked him in the eyes when I said it.

He got my message, laughed and asked his relatives to tone it down.

Here are several other suggestions from the Tulin team -- ideas we should all be able to relate to:

--Don't generalize about individuals because of their particular culture; individual differences exist within any group.

--Investigate whether communication style or process, rather than content, is the cause of a conflict.

--Give honest and practical feedback; don't "walk on eggshells" or speak for a person from another culture.

All good ideas to remember and use, especially when in an unfamiliar culture.

Wide Differences When Conversation Nonverbal

While the Tulin list focuses on verbal communication, there are also wide differences in nonverbal expression that make a difference when seeking to understand people from various cultures.

In fact, non­verbal communication or body language provides an important part of how people pass on information to each other and these differences also vary from culture to culture.

Consider, for instance, that hand and arm gestures, touch, and eye contact (or its lack) are a few of the aspects of non­verbal communication that may vary significantly depending upon cultural background.

There are a number of gestures commonly used in the United States that may have a different meaning and/or be offensive to those from other cultures. Just one example focuses on the use of a finger or hand to indicate "come here please". Because this is the gesture is also used to beckon dogs in some cultures, it can be considered very offensive to many people around the world.

Pointing with one finger is also considered rude in some cultures; Asians typically use their entire hand to point to something, for instance.

Understanding the potential problems associated with nonverbal communication in health screenings, the Vermont Department of Health recently underwrote a guide for practitioners that could benefit their health-screening program. Several suggestions include issues such as touch:

"While patting a child's head is considered to be a friendly or affectionate gesture in our culture, it is considered inappropriate by many Asians to touch someone on the head, which is believed to be a sacred part of the body. In the Middle East, the left hand is reserved for bodily hygiene and should not be used to touch another or transfer objects.In Muslim cultures, touch between opposite gendered individuals is generally inappropriate."

Another nonverbal communication area noted by the Vermont Health Department includes eye contact. While in mainstream Western culture eye contact is considered as attentiveness and honesty--we are taught that we should "look people in the eye" when talking--in many other cultures including Hispanic, Asian, Middle Eastern, and Native American, eye contact is thought to be disrespectful or rude.

Lack of eye contact does not mean that a person is not paying attention, even though it is seen this way in North American culture. In many non Western cultures, women may especially avoid eye contact with men because it can be taken as a sign of sexual interest.

The Vermont health group noted especially that when working with babies although it is common in Western culture for adults to admire babies and young children and comment upon how cute they are, this is avoided in Hmong and Vietnamese cultures "...for fear that these comments may be overheard by a spirit that will try to steal the baby or otherwise cause some harm to come to him or her."

With these rules in mind, and from learning as much as possible about cultural communication differences before moving into a new culture, a retiree who wants to live as an expat outside of her or his familiar culture has a better shot at survival away from home.

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To arrange for Susan Klopfer to speak to your organization on retirement topics, contact her at http://susanklopfer.com