Learning to use Chopsticks takes patience, and so does adjusting to a new culture, author says

Many from other countrie are surprised at the political marches that occur regularly in Ecuador. My opinion: We need to learn more about this active and successful process!

A COUPLE OF NEW FRIENDS are not making it here in Cuenca, Ecuador—at least so far. I like them and find they are interesting and fun. But I don’t think they’ve lived much in other cultures. I gauge this on their reactions to their new surroundings In their eyes, nothing seems to be going right since they have arrive.

Nobody said it was easy!

The electricity was off when "John and Karen" got to their new apartment late at night from the Guayaquil airport. Instead of going to bed and trying to solve it in the morning (after the person on duty couldn’t fix it) they went to an expensive hotel. When they returned the next day and learned the power switch in the basement was off, and just needed to be flipped on, they got mad and decided the apartment owner should pay for their night at the Ritz.

That reaction might work in the U.S. but it doesn’t work here. Things are not so sophisticated. This is a developing country and the trains don’t always run on time!

A trip to the grocery again made them angry when they were asked for a passport. “People were following me,” my friend stated, as he wondered why he had to show credentials to buy a loaf of bread.

“That’s just how it is done here,” I explained. “I don’t make the rules.”

And neither do any visitors. When we travel outside of our country and culture, we must accept that the values, social norms, and traditions in the U.S. may be very different from beliefs about "how things should be" in the country where we grew up.

As I sit here typing, I am personally angry over a small occurrence of health insurance fraud on a policy that I signed up for here. But I have to ask myself, how well did I check out the company? The broker? Did I let myself get Gringo’ed?

Further, I can’t get the public Internet company to commit to come to my apartment and install a new system. I am working from my bedroom where I can intercept reception from next door—while I am trying to market a new book, using twitter and facebook! What a pain.

I am not used to doing some of the footwork required to live here, and I realize this. I am not used to non-customer-driven-non-service! Becoming angry, however, just doesn’t work in this culture. Patience is sometimes rewarded. There also are some legal remedies to invoke, if necessary (but sometimes with unexpected consequence). Often, I forget my own advice when difficulties arise.

But if I am thinking straight, I find it works best to cut the losses and start over when up against a difficult hurdle, such as the problems with health insurance or Internet that I’ve encountered. It is at times like this I miss my home country.

When individuals move to another culture, they naturally carry their own background and life experiences with them, and these shape how they react and adjust to their new environment. For example, some will find a new culture (how people do things) easy to adjust to, while others may struggle significantly (like my two friends). "Culture shock" is a common experience that describes the feelings of confusion, stress and disorientation that occur when entering an unfamiliar culture. Of course, not everyone has the same reactions to cultural adjustment and may experience the symptoms of culture shock in varying degrees, and at different times.

Professionals who study this adjustment period say that common reactions include:

• extreme homesickness
• avoiding social situations
• physical complaints and sleep difficulties
• inability to concentrate
• becoming angry over minor irritations
• significant nervousness or exhaustion

Here are some things to know that might help

• Everything is relative to culture.
  For example people from different cultures may see how Americans behave as different and as “bad”. For some, the American communication style may seem too loud or direct. Take a lesson, and try to avoid labeling what others do as "good" or "bad" according to the culture you are from. Remember that there may be parts of a culture you dislike, but these are part of a broader social system, and make more sense inside that system.
• Be curious and open-minded.
  Adjusting to a new culture does not mean that you have to change your own beliefs or values, but it is important to respect those of other people. When you find yourself in an unfamiliar situation, try to think of it as a new adventure. See this experience as a new game, and be curious about the way things are perceived and done in this new place.
• Use your observation skills.
  Since you will run into new ways of doing things (rules and norms), observing how others behave can help you understand what is expected of you. It’s like watching someone use chopsticks before trying it out for for yourself! Pay close attention to both the verbal and nonverbal communication of others to get a better picture of what is going on.
• Ask questions 
  Ask for help when you need it. This is not a sign of weakness. In Cuenca, the moment a person asks for help in speaking Spanish, nearly every Cuencano reaches out in support. Understanding others and making yourself understood in a new language requires lots of rephrasing, repeating and clarification. It may be helpful to ask questions like "I believe you are saying... Is that correct?" Talk slowly and use hand gestures. In Latino culture, I find myself adding apologies more frequently. “Excuse me. Will you please speak more slowly?” (Disculpe. Por favor. Hable mas despacio.)
• It's ok to experience anxiety 
  Learning to function in a new environment is not easy. It is natural to feel anxious or frustrated sometimes. The key is to remind yourself that these feelings are normal and are likely to be situational and temporary.
• Know it’s okay to make mistakes
  Anyone will make mistakes while exploring a new environment. Look for the humor and be ready to laugh, while keeping in mind that others will probably make mistakes, too. If someone makes an absurd statement about your culture, it may be due to a lack of information. Use this as an opportunity to share information with others about yourself and your culture.
• Take care of your physical and mental health
  Be mindful about keeping a healthy diet and getting enough exercise and rest. Try to find an activity that you enjoy and make it part of your routine. Being physically active can help reduce your stress level, but if this doesn’t work seek help. Look for an AA, in you’re having alcohol problems for instance, or for depression and other problems seek a therapist who knows your culture (if talking to a friend does not help).
• Be patient - don't try to understand everything immediately
  It takes time to adjust to a new and different culture. Be patient with this experience and do not be overly critical of yourself or the people around you.

I hope my new friends start to adjust. And I hope to hell that the Internet company comes through and that the Insurance company pays its bills! Meanwhile, I have some good ideas for a backup!

It was the "damned gate" that caught my attention. (Surprising words from a Mississippi debutante trainer)

It took a year to create and write The Plan--and get it into publication. I came up with the idea many years ago, when living in Mississippi, but didn't have the needed time to really think about and develop the plot or complete the project until I retired and moved to Cuenca, Ecuador. 

This morning I was thinking about how this book came about. 
It’s a good story, in itself!

*****

The "damned" gate

I was a passenger in her car and we were on the way to Parchman Penitentiary. This infamous Mississippi Delta prison was where my psychologist husband worked, and we lived on the grounds. I’d met “Ella” in the small town of Drew. And she seemed like a nice lady. 

Actually, I’d found myself feeling sorry for her, since she confided she was on a third marriage. She was not particularly attractive, and as I would learn she probably went through a lot of his money. Not on frivolous things, but doctor visits—lots of those, for various ailments—but also on her hobby. She liked to help prepare young girls for their debuts.

-----

The Plan is available at Smashwords in various formats including Kindle and ibooks

-----

THE YEAR WAS 2004. There weren’t many formal coming out parties taking place anymore, she confessed, but it was still important for her house to be pretty, "just in case." Drapes are expensive no matter where you live, and she’d recently had to replace not only the living room window furnishings but her carpets. The girls would be coming to her house, if she was able to pick up a parent or two as clients this spring. Plus, she was in charge of her town's Culture Club. Another reason to spend money on her home and yard. The flowers had to look good, of course, because the club held monthly meetings in her home.

We’d just left the small town of Drew, and I noticed something to the left, just off the highway. A white metal fence, halfway open, with kudzu vines growing on it. A couple of tall pilings were behind the gate.

“What’s that?” I asked Ella. I was always curious about anything new or different that I’d spot in this unfamiliar region. Living in Mississippi was a new experience. We’d moved there from Nevada with no preconceptions and it turned out a fascinating place to be. A part of the country we’d never visited. In fact, when I first heard about our possible move, I thought the “Delta” would be down on the coast, but found it to be a stretch of land along the Mississippi River, from Memphis to Vicksburg.

“The damned gate? It was going to be a home,” Ella began.

Her cursing hit me by surprised. But I didn't react. I wanted to hear what else she had to say. I settled back in my car seat, ready for her story. But it was far shorter than I’d expected.

Brief, in fact.

“He was a bad man. A lawyer. He was murdered.

Damn, if I didn’t want to hear more. I always like a good story. But Ella said she didn’t want to talk anymore about it. I had to learn why. 

Ella dropped me off at our home, an old red brick house that wasn’t very far away from the gas chamber. Thank God it was not being used in those days. She didn’t want to stop for coffee. Had to get back because her cleaning lady was due to arriv, she explained.

I started that afternoon trying to learn who’d been murdered and why. It only took one call, to a Drew minister I’d recently met, to get the basics.

“That would be Cleve McDowell, the first black law student to enter Ole Miss. He got kicked out!”

The Reverend was a friend. He told me some of the Cleve McDowell story that day, but it took a few months to drag it all out. I had a feeling that I was the first person to learn the whole story, that is, as much of the story that is known. Of course I had to dig through old records, lie a little bit to some courthouse clerks, and track down other several older people to learn as much as I could

Cleve McDowell would be the main character Clinton Moore in The Plan. I changed dates and location but not much else, at least in the beginning of the book. I wanted to be as close as possible to the history. (Next, I’ll write about his friend who was also murdered (“Joe Means”) who is also based on a real person.)

Here’s a link if you want to read the nonfiction book, WhereRebels Roost; Mississippi Civil Rights Revisited. You can read it free online! It’s huge, and tells quite a bit about the civil rights history of the Mississippi Delta. Cleve McDowell's story is included.

AT LEFT, Cleve McDowell and Rev. Jesse Jackson (covered with cotton dust while campaigning in the Delta)

***

Have you ever lived in a place that was entirely different from where you were raised? The climate? The people? The food? What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them in a comment. Thanks. Susan

-----

The Plan is now available at Smashwords in various formats including Kindle and ibooks

-----